how to live forever
by thewildthingsarecoming
Summary: -some days, Remus remembers- Remus-centric. RemusSirius.


how to live forever.

Disclaimer: Anything you recognise is not mine.

Character/Pairing: Remus-centric, RemusSirius.

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Some days, Remus remembers.

He wakes with his hands tangled in the sheets and the warmth of someone not quite right next to him, and in the early morning when the light is blurred between here and there, he remembers how they were.

He remembers James with his golden smiles, and Sirius with his silver-tongue, and Peter with his bright eyes, and Lily with her gentle hands. He remembers how dazzling they were.

Full of cleverness and life and the future.

He also remembers himself, young and afraid, with the word werewolf tattooed on his face in the raised flesh of his skin and the shame of inadequacy in the smear of his blood every full moon. He remembers being all alone and how they saved him, how they told him there was nothing wrong with him, nothing at all, and how they repeated it until a part of him almost believed it.

Remus remembers days spent outside in the grounds of Hogwarts during the summer. Remembers Peter running to tell them all about his day. The glint of sunlight off of James' glasses, and later on the smell of Lily's perfume on the breeze. He remembers the dance of the Giant Squid across the lake, and the way that Frank and Alice would always say hello as they walked by hand in hand. He remembers the feel of Sirius pressed into his side and the warmth of the sunshine on his face.

Some days, the memory of the day they graduated is the one in his mind, full of uncertainty and tension but still the pervading sense that everything would be alright. Or the first time they called themselves Marauders.

The four of them, young and unstoppable.

The entire world at their feet and the future laid out before them.

Some days however, he remembers tangled fingers and the sound of a laugh and the safety of trusting someone, of loving them so completely. Some days he remembers Sirius and the way he wore his youth like it would last forever (and he was the only one who ever made Remus think it could), and how he raged and then cried and then kissed him on the day he left the Black family forever. He remembers secret smiles and reverent touches, and Remus remembers the way that Sirius' promises felt as he made them into his skin.

Some days, Remus remembers having everything.

Having more than he could ever have hoped for, and then losing it all.

He can recall the exact moment Dumbledore told him about Lily and James, about Peter and Sirius and he can still feel the pressure in his ears, and the way that Dumbledore's lips moved but made no sound, and the numbness of having your entire world snuffed out in a single, fleeting moment.

On those days, Remus doesn't remember the trickle of empty time over the years, or the effort it took to build back up a man with nothing to live for. He doesn't remember the hope of having Sirius back after so long, or the way that meeting Harry helped to ease the slow burn of pain in his belly. Especially though, he doesn't remember the moment when Sirius finally joined James or the ache that never, never leaves.

He just remembers thinking that maybe, just maybe he had it the hardest.

Maybe living in the after-math is the most devastating weapon of war.

The days when he remembers, are the days that Remus can't help but feel that they were a generation born at the wrong time and if it hadn't been for the war, they would have changed everything. They are the days that Remus prays there is no higher power, because he simply cannot bring himself to believe that anyone, God or mortal could have let these people who burnt so brightly in life, who lived like they were made for it, be snuffed out so tragically, so easily.

Those are the days when Remus can't stop himself from wishing that they hadn't left him, a lone survivor in a future that had once glittered with all of their possibilities.

Some days, Remus remembers.

He remembers that they are at war, they have always been at war.

He remembers the looks on his friends faces the day they were left with no option but to kill Death Eaters to save one another. He remembers the haunted look in James' eyes that never left until the moment he first held Harry.

He remembers the look on Sirius' face when it truly struck him that there is no glory in war, there is nothing but hate and survival and blood.

Now though, now there is Tonks and Teddy and another life, but there will always be James with his messed-up hair and easy effortless confidence, and Lily with her loving eyes and striking wit. There will always be the memory of Peter, of his naive trust and awe-inspired admiration and the brave cowardice it takes to give up everything you have ever known to save yourself. More than all of them though, there will always be Sirius with his wolfish grin and silver charm and the way that he could look at you and make you feel invincible. Sirius with his unending loyalty and his crooked smiles and his kisses that felt like the end of the world.

Some days, Remus remembers.

He wakes with his hands tangled in the sheets and the warmth of someone not quite right next to him. He opens his eyes and breathes deeply to calm the tremble of his lungs, tries to ignore the wetness on his cheeks. In the early morning when the light is blurred between here and there, he remembers how they were. What they were. He remembers everything they could have been.

Some days, Remus remembers, and god how he wishes he couldn't.

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_I'd love to hear what you thought. Thankyou._


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